I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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