She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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