i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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