Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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