There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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