I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
