Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
