Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
