I'm gonna have a badass scar
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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