who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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