He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
