Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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