Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
