I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
