Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am available for nakedness
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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