Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
