i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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