True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
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Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Sober January is a disaster.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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