you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
