Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
