saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I party with great urgency now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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