saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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