How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
