this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
