He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize