the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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