So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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