Bisexual people are plain selfish.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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