I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
