I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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