had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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