you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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