Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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