Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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