My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
