I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
