You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
