singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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