Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
