I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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