It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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