I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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