So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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