i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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