just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
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Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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