I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
