dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore