I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk