But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
