I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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