Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
