I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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