ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
