if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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