You were right. It hurts to walk today.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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