That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I understand Curling. That high.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
