Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
