Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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